I’d like to figure out what I’m eating that specifically brings this kinda dream on….
I’m sitting at my friends apartment watching a football game. We’ll call him Derek. He’s wearing some god awful orange and purple combination. It’s starts raining very heavily outside. At the same time I start spraying shit out of my ass. Not like those on off back-splatter joints you get off when you waited way too long to get to a bathroom, but rather a sustained flow similar to a fireman’s hose. It’s getting all over the furniture and reaching pretty high up on to the walls. I’m looking at my buddy like ‘Dude, if it was possible for me to cork this gusher I would.’ I’ve never been the type of guy to go over to a friends apartment and fuck up his bathroom, much less his entire living room and kitchen. On the occasions I did get shit on places other than in the toilet bowl, I’ve cleaned it up.
So I’m sitting here spraying it everywhere still and I realize it’s not all mine. Some feces is just raining down through the ceiling. I’d say it’s about 80/20 my butt vs. the unnamed source.
Eventually, the scene kinda calms down a bit and I start trying to help clean up. I leave on my shit soaked clothes and start wiping stuff up. The ottoman, the kitchen counter, his coffee table. As it turns out, I’m so soaked that I’m not really helping the situation at all. I’m just smearing it around and bumping into things that previously had zero shit on them, so I decide to take off my clothes and leave them in a pile in the center of the living room.
It’s right about this time that his girlfriend comes walking in the door. I’m standing there buck naked, and let’s be honest, pretty stained up with dookie. He and I both knew our hangout/bro session was one of those things we probably should have wrapped up before she got home anyway. Well, now the whole apartment is covered in human shit.
She was very polite about it and immediately started helping out. I pull a few picture frames off the wall it’s just blank white squares underneath. I had ‘shit stenciled’ their living room wall. I think that’s what set her off. She saw me doing the typical half-assed smearing it around making it worse thing we’ve all used to get out of difficult unwanted work. ‘Oh it’s no problem. Why don’t you just go ahead and get on home. Derek and I will finish up’.
‘Really, I can stay and help out. It’s kinda my mess’.
‘No, don’t worry. We’ve got it’ she said.
I sheepishly gather up my dirty pile of clothes and go the window and realize it’s a monsoon situation outside. Looks dark, daunting and dangerous. The only thought that comes to my mind is that the washing machine in my building is semi-public and I’m just so tired that I might fall asleep and fail to get my doo-doo stained clothes outta of the wash before some disgusting stranger comes in the next morning and takes them out for me. Huge pet peave of mine.