Wake me up when the fun starts. Actually, no, don’t.

Just had a dream about playing a Grand Theft Auto style video game where the plot was
‘Teen Weekend Drug Party Prom’. The first thing I did was trip multiple blonde girls in party dresses down this one short set of stairs in the hotel lobby, much the same way one just runs around randomly punching strangers in the face when they first get GTA. It gets boring after about 10 minutes, but it’s definitely the first impulse.

I got my first mission as my character was checking in at the front desk of the hotel. Above my character it blinked ‘Bartender:Sam’ and my mission…impregnate.

Shitty time to wake up.

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I had a rough night

I’d like to figure out what I’m eating that specifically brings this kinda dream on….

I’m sitting at my friends apartment watching a football game. We’ll call him Derek.  He’s wearing some god awful orange and purple combination. It’s starts raining very heavily outside. At the same time I start spraying shit out of my ass. Not like those on off back-splatter joints you get off when you waited way too long to get to a bathroom, but rather a sustained flow similar to a fireman’s hose. It’s getting all over the furniture and reaching pretty high up on to the walls. I’m looking at my buddy like ‘Dude, if it was possible for me to cork this gusher I would.’ I’ve never been the type of guy to go over to a friends apartment and fuck up his bathroom, much less his entire living room and kitchen. On the occasions I did get shit on places other than in the toilet bowl, I’ve cleaned it up.

So I’m sitting here spraying it everywhere still and I realize it’s not all mine. Some feces is just raining down through the ceiling. I’d say it’s about 80/20 my butt vs. the unnamed source.

Eventually, the scene kinda calms down a bit and I start trying to help clean up. I leave on my shit soaked clothes and start wiping stuff up. The ottoman, the kitchen counter, his coffee table.  As it turns out, I’m so soaked that I’m not really helping the situation at all. I’m just smearing it around and bumping into things that previously had zero shit on them, so I decide to take off my clothes and leave them in a pile in the center of the living room.

It’s right about this time that his girlfriend comes walking in the door. I’m standing there buck naked, and let’s be honest, pretty stained up with dookie. He and I both knew our hangout/bro session was one of those things we probably should have wrapped up before she got home anyway. Well, now the whole apartment is covered in human shit.

She was very polite about it and immediately started helping out. I pull a few picture frames off the wall it’s just blank white squares underneath. I had ‘shit stenciled’ their living room wall. I think that’s what set her off. She saw me doing the typical half-assed smearing it around making it worse thing we’ve all used to get out of difficult unwanted work. ‘Oh it’s no problem. Why don’t you just go ahead and get on home. Derek and I will finish up’.

‘Really, I can stay and help out. It’s kinda my mess’.

‘No, don’t worry. We’ve got it’ she said.

I sheepishly gather up my dirty pile of clothes and go the window and realize it’s a monsoon situation outside. Looks dark, daunting and dangerous. The only thought that comes to my mind is that the washing machine in my building is semi-public and I’m just so tired that I might fall asleep and fail to get my doo-doo stained clothes outta of the wash before some disgusting stranger comes in the next morning and takes them out for me. Huge pet peave of mine.


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I was too emotional to post this at the time.

I woke up terrified about secret santa and it’s only Nov 16th. In my dream I spent $45 on a very nice cheese serving platter for you, and I’m envisioning the cheap aluminum cookware you are buying for me. Sure, it looks like stainless, but what about those cheap ass rivets on the (hollow) handle. You must WANT me to drop a quart of boiling hot liquid on my feet while poisoning my entire family. Way to ‘buy’ knowing my interest in cooking. Of course someone who cooks all the time would love a piece of shit pan that costs 39.99 so you can fit the secret santa budget.

“Oh, your hobby is rock climbing? I got you 20 ‘not safe for climbing’ aluminum carabiner keychains!!! At $2 bucks a piece I met my secret santa budget! Hey look at me I’m thoughtful!” What a waste.

I got you a cheese server exactly for the right reason. You know nothing of fine wine and cheese AND you have no friends. I’m trying to help you out.

Maybe that explains why later in the dream I was shopping for running shoes. The only ones I could find were the Asics and New Balance lifestyle sneakers in cool colors. Those come in under $40. I didn’t pull the trigger. You know why? They were cheap approximations of what might actually help you with your stated goal of needing to lose weight!!! Not gonna waste money on some fake version of a running shoe. You need a pair of Brooks with some support for your arch and also because you are over pronating. I didn’t buy you those because they were $125 bucks and outta my budget, but I did get you the book on running motivation and diet because I wanted you to have something useful. Not a bunch of running shoe keychains as it were.

Goddamn it’s almost December. I’m getting nervous.

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Past, present, and future of uncouth.

Ladies and gentleman, I’m now in the blogosphere. My mission statement is to write and post whatever I want while being as offensive and insensitive as possible.



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